Monday, June 18, 2018

Mom Fear Exposed!

So I have finally gotten up the courage enough to write this post about how I truly feel about my son...it's a hard reality to deal with some times and hasn't been any easier on me than it would be on most. So here goes...

Life is chaotic now...to say the least. However, I find joy in my days in the small moments I get that I'm not running back from the laundry room to switch laundry or tending to a booboo or nursing. I. CAN. BREATHE. NOW.

I stare into THIS sweet, beautiful smile and the thoughts I once had of my baby boy, of the possibility of him not being here, are muffled by the pure joy I feel by knowing that it all worked out. BY GOD'S GRACE!

Nightmares, fear, pain, exhaustion and utter fear are the things they don't tell you about when you don't have kids. I have never known fear until Norah was born. Her tiny life held in my hands, her life and well-being literally dictated by my body and my choices. The overwhelming responsibility you feel CONSTANTLY, plaguing your every decision. Those emotions were there with Lainey, Paul tells me, because I don't really remember. But with Felix's pregnancy let's be frank...it KICKED MY ASS! I was finally in a great place where I was making enough money to "justify" going into business for myself, my girls were old enough to start doing little tasks on their own. Then it all hit at once. LIFE. An unexpected but blessed pregnancy anyway. Most of it feeling like I was on a fishing boat going up and down in the ocean for hours. I wanted to do NOTHING but had all the responsibilities, including growing a human life, inside of me. Then the 20wk ultrasound..."you have what's called two-cord" which I later found out could be a lot more serious than I originally thought. It consumed me! 

Two cord happens in about 1% of births. They so emotionlessly describe on the internet what could be wrong because of this simple term -  heart problems, kidney problems, spinal defects, stillbirth. I tried to think about it from a numbers standpoint because hey that's me - "what are the chances?" but it seemed so callous and inaccurately describing my situation. I was SURE something was wrong and would happen to my sweet little boy before I ever had the chance to hold him. I compartmentalized it all. I refused to buy a crib. I refused to calculate this little guy into our lives in anyway because, despite the reassurances from close friends, family and my sweet husband, nothing vanquished that uneasy, unsettling fear of loss that I felt so deeply was just around the corner. I knew that if I gave in the idea that I was getting what I truly wanted all along...a sweet little boy in my life to complete our family. A mini Paul.

BUT through it all...he's here. He's amazing! He's my little man. And despite the fact that the doctors thought he might have growth issues because of this issue...he's a TANK! He's in the 70%+  for all of his stats and astonishes me everyday with his strength and grit for life.

I'm humbled to have gone through Felix's pregnancy with the complete lack of control forcing myself to have faith that it would all work out...but it was a challenge. Hopefully one that will make me even stronger today!

I love my little man! He brings such joy to my heart!


1 comment:

  1. Kali you are an amazing, strong, loving and brilliant mother! Thank you for sharing this! He is perfect! God bless you all.

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