Thursday, August 24, 2017

Not just Brittney's Toxic

"I'm a slave...for you"...it's not just a line in Brittney's 'Toxic.' It's a place we've all been to at least once in our lives. We ALL have toxic or dealt with it at some point in our lives. 

It's usually in the form of good people who do bad things to people they don't give a $h!t about, or just because it's more convenient to screw you over than tell you the truth. I've had my fair share of toxic people in my life. Those who are more consumed with appearances, drugs, vanity, popularity, sex or money than me. Or maybe they were/are just so selfish and self-absorbed to see the negative effect they have on others. It's sad that people think they can get away with it, but it’s our job to make sure we don't let the toxic get the best of us.

I thought the reality show that aired a few years back about a group of nerds learning how to be “ballas” was just ridiculous enough to watch. Then, I realized that the only thing they were learning was how to have more confidence in themselves. 'Fake it until you make it!' It's true though isn't it? Confidence is key! Imagining you are the greatest at everything. Can leap tall bounds and take down giants. Seeing isn't believing. Believing is believing! 

Lack of confidence breeds pessimism and is exactly what predators, aka toxic people, feed off of. They see that they can ignore your call and that you'll still call back. That they can put you down and you'll still love them. That they can hit you and you'll still keep them in your life. What is this telling them about you? Probably not the message you were wanting to convey. YOU have to love yourself more, think you deserve it more, BELIEVE in yourself MORE because if not you then who will believe in you?

I am not a super confident person although it’s something I’m constantly working on. However, my toxic came several years ago when I had little to no confidence. These were supposedly my family members. However, they did not value me in the slightest. Let's go back a bit.....<<<<< A long time ago I was in the unfortunate situation of watching a man I once loved go through chemotherapy treatments for leukemia. It was terrifying and difficult to say the least. I struggled to find the internal strength that anyone would need to go through such a scary, unknowing heartache of a path. I watched him deteriorate in front of my very eyes. He went from a 240lb hefty stocky man to a mere 130lb boney structure with decaying gums, no hair that wasn't even able to unscrew the top of a water bottle in a 10 month period. Life had other plans for him at 26 and with me as his caregiver paying the bills, taking him to dr appts, paying the bills, picking up medication, taking care of our house, etc, etc, etc, it drained me as a person. When it was over :( and he passed into a better place, his family vanished from my life. A 'how are you doing?' every month or so but other than that they had written me off for the useless friendship/companionship I was to them. I was not appreciated in the middle of the whole sickness whether or not I took him to countless chemo treatments, was up until endless hours in the night with him at the hospital or making sure I was there for every doctor's visit I could be all while holding down a full-time job. They did not help me when I moved in the middle of his sickness into a house near the hospital. Nor did they help me with doctors’ bills or scheduling. It was their brother and their son and  yet I was doing 99% of everything for him. I felt like I had to beg them for help. Did it earn me any credit with them in the end? No. They didn't care. So the only person that cared that I sacrificed myself for was gone. 

So the neglect and anger it made me feel seeing pictures of all of them having a party a few weeks after his death while I sat on my couch and cried for the 17th day straight was too much. I tried to pick myself up after this but they were weighing me down. They were holding me back and making me focus on the anger rather than the healing. The bitterness I felt for each of them outshone the guilt I was trying to overcome. Why mustn't they care about me? Why did they do things that hurt me so much! I was angered and betrayed. So I cut them out of my life like a rotting piece of flesh. They were dead to me. 

So I did. I decided I was going to take a stand for my own well-being and say 'i don't care how it affects anyone else but me!' That I have to say 'NO' to letting them be in my life and be my own advocate.

So life moves on and you're happy and don't look back...until something triggers your memory. In my case it’s Matthew’s birthday that gets me every year. That and the date he passed. So what to do? Suppress and try to forget, or is that putting a stronghold on you worse than just facing the memory and reaching out? You tell me. Avoiding chocolate is the only way to truly avoid its cravings right? I wish!

But the question I myself am facing is: How can you truly let go? Does toxicity still have a hold of you, even years later, even if you have 100% cut yourself out of their lives so they don't even know you or your pain exist? When does seeing their picture or name mean almost nothing? How can you truly let go??? Those stuck in my subconscious are a few that once called me family. People who were supposed to care about me. People who were supposed to support me. Now I feel like a ghost to them. I cut them out of my life because I felt uncared for and invisible already but now, even now I still feel like a ghost who hides in the night and fear that my mere existence will rock the boat. Is it a fear of confrontation? Or just to relive the toxicity that once was? To remember that others could treat me as if my feelings don't matter?

Isn't it normal human nature to be curious about how well or unwell an ex-friend or ex-boyfriend is doing? What do we truly gain out of the knowing or not knowing? I still don't have an answer to this question. It takes a long time to get over someone. Some people say it takes twice the length of time that you knew them. Take a friend you've known for two years - it'll take 4 years of your life after you say SAYONARA to actually get over them? That's a huge chunk of time to give to someone, even to your subconscious.

We've all been there. We all do it. It's human nature to remember and want people to want you in their lives. We feel powerful, content and justified for kicking these people out of our lives. But so easily do they find an unlocked door to let themselves back in. I have thrown away many toxic friendship keys...all for the sake of happiness. Dare I find one while doing some spring cleaning and happen upon its corresponding door. Let not what your mind remembers as the possibility of a renewed friendship be muddled in the truth that this friend is/was toxic to you and will probably step on your head to get to where they need to go again...and again...and again. 

I think teaching my girls how to avoid and get rid of toxic as soon as you see it will be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life! Don't let the toxic people reel you back in after they've abused your trust, your integrity, and your passion. I'm scared, yet honored for the task. It will be difficult for me because it is something I myself have fallen prey to. However, what my experiences have taught me is that taking a step back after letting yourself remember, taking a deep breath and then choosing to focus on all of the positive things in your life is what gets me through it. Being happy is the best medicine. I will not allow myself back into the misery. My life is GREAT. I will not let TOXIC back in! 



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