Life is a Roller Coaster...hang on baby! Here we go!

You have no idea how complicated life can get until you have little kids. I feel like everyday is a chess match of figuring out play dates, school drop-offs, after dinner activities, laundry (oh the freaking laundry). I feel like I need a schedule for my schedule. Seriously! I'm not the most organized person, or at all. So leaving these kiddos in my hands...what are you guys thinking?!?

We had a crazy month of August with lots of travel. Paul HAD to be gone every weekday in the month of August for work and training. He's got home after midnight on 3 of 4 friday's (although the last one was technically thursday because we're about to be hit with Hurricane Harvey and his generous boss let him switch his flight). Thank God! Hurricane Harvey hit hard and devastated a good deal of Houston. We are so blessed to only be dealing with a small roof leak, while others are having to renovate/rid down huge parts of their homes. It's so sad and I can't even imagine the feeling of loss.

Today I am 28 weeks preggo with little Tim-Buck-2 and in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. This pregnancy has not only been the HARDEST on me physically (nauseous/crappy feeling the first 16-18wks) but also taken the most emotional toll on me as well. I'm worried about the pregnancy and everything going ok constantly. I'm even ANNOYING myself about it. However, last week at my anatomy ultrasound we received some news that kind of has me worried! I have what's called "two cord" or "two vessel" meaning the umbilical cord to the baby only formed two vessels vs the 3 normal ones that the other 99% of pregnancies have. As my doctor has told me, "it's probably nothing"; however, it could mean some not so nice things that I don't even want to discuss. I've been reassured by friends and family that this is not something to overly worry myself about.  

Lainey is 2 1/2 and so smart and independent. I don't think she's quite ready to be a big sister and not be the baby. We're trying to prepare her for it and encouraging her independence, especially around bedtime. Encouraging her, even when she takes off the top to my prenatal pills and ate some. She told us the truth and we were lenient. Haha

Norah is 4 1/2 and crosses back and forth between being a teenager and being a freaking angel child. She started ballet a few weeks ago and is growing into a beautiful little girl. She is not as cuddly as mommy wants sometimes but she seriously has a heart of gold.  

They are going to K2 and I think everyone is in love with it. Mommy gets her free time to work and take care of a growing business and never-ending house work. The girls get educational activities and play-time in an awesome gym. Norah is learning spanish in school and I'm impressed with how much she is learning. "Mom, do you know how to say triangle in spanish? ....triangulo" <said flawlessly> But what Paul and I love most about their school is what amazing teachers they have! Their teachers care about them, as if they were their own kiddos. I couldn't' say more wonderful things about the sense of family and warmth this place brings me. I love them!

Our house renovation is going strong. We almost have an upstairs in our house! WHAT?!?

Mom Fear Exposed!

So I have finally gotten up the courage enough to write this post about how I truly feel about my son...it's a hard reality to deal with some times and hasn't been any easier on me than it would be on most. So here goes...

Life is chaotic now...to say the least. However, I find joy in my days in the small moments I get that I'm not running back from the laundry room to switch laundry or tending to a booboo or nursing. I. CAN. BREATHE. NOW.

I stare into THIS sweet, beautiful smile and the thoughts I once had of my baby boy, of the possibility of him not being here, are muffled by the pure joy I feel by knowing that it all worked out. BY GOD'S GRACE!

Nightmares, fear, pain, exhaustion and utter fear are the things they don't tell you about when you don't have kids. I have never known fear until Norah was born. Her tiny life held in my hands, her life and well-being literally dictated by my body and my choices. The overwhelming responsibility you feel CONSTANTLY, plaguing your every decision. Those emotions were there with Lainey, Paul tells me, because I don't really remember. But with Felix's pregnancy let's be frank...it KICKED MY ASS! I was finally in a great place where I was making enough money to "justify" going into business for myself, my girls were old enough to start doing little tasks on their own. Then it all hit at once. LIFE. An unexpected but blessed pregnancy anyway. Most of it feeling like I was on a fishing boat going up and down in the ocean for hours. I wanted to do NOTHING but had all the responsibilities, including growing a human life, inside of me. Then the 20wk ultrasound..."you have what's called two-cord" which I later found out could be a lot more serious than I originally thought. It consumed me! 

Two cord happens in about 1% of births. They so emotionlessly describe on the internet what could be wrong because of this simple term -  heart problems, kidney problems, spinal defects, stillbirth. I tried to think about it from a numbers standpoint because hey that's me - "what are the chances?" but it seemed so callous and inaccurately describing my situation. I was SURE something was wrong and would happen to my sweet little boy before I ever had the chance to hold him. I compartmentalized it all. I refused to buy a crib. I refused to calculate this little guy into our lives in anyway because, despite the reassurances from close friends, family and my sweet husband, nothing vanquished that uneasy, unsettling fear of loss that I felt so deeply was just around the corner. I knew that if I gave in the idea that I was getting what I truly wanted all along...a sweet little boy in my life to complete our family. A mini Paul.

BUT through it all...he's here. He's amazing! He's my little man. And despite the fact that the doctors thought he might have growth issues because of this issue...he's a TANK! He's in the 70%+  for all of his stats and astonishes me everyday with his strength and grit for life.

I'm humbled to have gone through Felix's pregnancy with the complete lack of control forcing myself to have faith that it would all work out...but it was a challenge. Hopefully one that will make me even stronger today!

I love my little man! He brings such joy to my heart!