"I'm a slave...for you"...it's not just a line in
Brittney's 'Toxic.' It's a place we've all been to at least once in our lives. We ALL have toxic or dealt with it at some point in our
lives.
It's usually in the form of good people who do bad things to people they don't give a $h!t about, or just because it's more convenient to screw you over than tell you the truth. I've had my fair share of toxic people in my life. Those who are more consumed with appearances, drugs, vanity, popularity, sex or money than me. Or maybe they were/are just so selfish and self-absorbed to see the negative effect they have on others. It's sad that people think they can get away with it, but it’s our job to make sure we don't let the toxic get the best of us.
I thought the reality show that aired a few years back about a
group of nerds learning how to be “ballas” was just ridiculous enough to watch.
Then, I realized that the only thing they were learning was how to have more
confidence in themselves. 'Fake it until you make it!' It's true though isn't
it? Confidence is key! Imagining you are the greatest at everything. Can leap
tall bounds and take down giants. Seeing isn't believing. Believing is
believing!
Lack of confidence breeds pessimism and is exactly what predators,
aka toxic people, feed off of.
They see that they can ignore your call and that you'll still call back. That
they can put you down and you'll still love them. That they can hit you and
you'll still keep them in your life. What is this telling them about you? Probably
not the message you were wanting to convey. YOU have to love yourself more,
think you deserve it more, BELIEVE in yourself MORE because if not you then who
will believe in you?
I am not a super confident person although it’s something I’m
constantly working on. However, my toxic came several years ago when I had little to no confidence.
These were supposedly my family members. However, they did not value me in the
slightest. Let's go back a bit.....<<<<< A long time ago I was in the unfortunate
situation of watching a man I once loved go through chemotherapy treatments for
leukemia. It was terrifying and difficult to say the least. I struggled to find
the internal strength that anyone would need to go through such a scary,
unknowing heartache of a path. I watched him deteriorate in front of my very
eyes. He went from a 240lb hefty stocky man to a mere 130lb boney structure
with decaying gums, no hair that wasn't even able to unscrew the top of a water
bottle in a 10 month period. Life had other plans for him at 26 and with me as his caregiver paying
the bills, taking him to dr appts, paying the bills, picking up medication,
taking care of our house, etc, etc, etc, it drained me as a person. When it was
over :( and he passed into a better place, his family vanished from my life. A
'how are you doing?' every month or so but other than that they had written me
off for the useless friendship/companionship I was to them. I was not
appreciated in the middle of the whole sickness whether or not I took him to countless
chemo treatments, was up until endless hours in the night with him at the
hospital or making sure I was there for every doctor's visit I could be all
while holding down a full-time job. They did not help me when I moved in the
middle of his sickness into a house near the hospital. Nor did they help me
with doctors’ bills or scheduling. It was their brother and their son
and yet I was doing 99% of everything for him. I felt like I had to beg them
for help. Did it earn me any credit with them in the end? No. They didn't care.
So the only person that cared that I sacrificed myself for was
gone.
So life moves on and you're happy and don't look back...until
something triggers your memory. In my case it’s Matthew’s birthday that gets me
every year. That and the date he passed. So what to do? Suppress and try to
forget, or is that putting a stronghold on you worse than just facing the
memory and reaching out? You tell me. Avoiding chocolate is the only way to
truly avoid its cravings right? I wish!
It's usually in the form of good people who do bad things to people they don't give a $h!t about, or just because it's more convenient to screw you over than tell you the truth. I've had my fair share of toxic people in my life. Those who are more consumed with appearances, drugs, vanity, popularity, sex or money than me. Or maybe they were/are just so selfish and self-absorbed to see the negative effect they have on others. It's sad that people think they can get away with it, but it’s our job to make sure we don't let the toxic get the best of us.
Lack of confidence breeds pessimism and is exactly what predators,
aka toxic people, feed off of.
They see that they can ignore your call and that you'll still call back. That
they can put you down and you'll still love them. That they can hit you and
you'll still keep them in your life. What is this telling them about you? Probably
not the message you were wanting to convey. YOU have to love yourself more,
think you deserve it more, BELIEVE in yourself MORE because if not you then who
will believe in you?
I am not a super confident person although it’s something I’m
constantly working on. However, my toxic came several years ago when I had little to no confidence.
These were supposedly my family members. However, they did not value me in the
slightest. Let's go back a bit.....<<<<< A long time ago I was in the unfortunate
situation of watching a man I once loved go through chemotherapy treatments for
leukemia. It was terrifying and difficult to say the least. I struggled to find
the internal strength that anyone would need to go through such a scary,
unknowing heartache of a path. I watched him deteriorate in front of my very
eyes. He went from a 240lb hefty stocky man to a mere 130lb boney structure
with decaying gums, no hair that wasn't even able to unscrew the top of a water
bottle in a 10 month period. Life had other plans for him at 26 and with me as his caregiver paying
the bills, taking him to dr appts, paying the bills, picking up medication,
taking care of our house, etc, etc, etc, it drained me as a person. When it was
over :( and he passed into a better place, his family vanished from my life. A
'how are you doing?' every month or so but other than that they had written me
off for the useless friendship/companionship I was to them. I was not
appreciated in the middle of the whole sickness whether or not I took him to countless
chemo treatments, was up until endless hours in the night with him at the
hospital or making sure I was there for every doctor's visit I could be all
while holding down a full-time job. They did not help me when I moved in the
middle of his sickness into a house near the hospital. Nor did they help me
with doctors’ bills or scheduling. It was their brother and their son
and yet I was doing 99% of everything for him. I felt like I had to beg them
for help. Did it earn me any credit with them in the end? No. They didn't care.
So the only person that cared that I sacrificed myself for was
gone. 
So the neglect and anger it made me feel seeing pictures of all
of them having a party a few weeks after his death while I sat on my couch and
cried for the 17th day straight was too much. I tried to pick myself up after
this but they were weighing me down. They were holding me back and making me
focus on the anger rather than the healing. The bitterness I felt for each of
them outshone the guilt I was trying to overcome. Why mustn't they
care about me? Why did they do things that hurt me so much! I was angered
and betrayed. So I cut them out of my life like a rotting piece of flesh. They
were dead to me.
So I did. I decided I was going to take a stand for my own
well-being and say 'i don't care how it affects anyone else but me!' That I
have to say 'NO' to letting them be in my life and be my own advocate.
So life moves on and you're happy and don't look back...until
something triggers your memory. In my case it’s Matthew’s birthday that gets me
every year. That and the date he passed. So what to do? Suppress and try to
forget, or is that putting a stronghold on you worse than just facing the
memory and reaching out? You tell me. Avoiding chocolate is the only way to
truly avoid its cravings right? I wish!
But the question I myself am facing is: How can you truly let go?
Does toxicity still have a hold
of you, even years later, even if you have 100% cut yourself out of their lives
so they don't even know you or your pain exist? When does seeing their picture
or name mean almost nothing? How can you truly let go??? Those stuck in my
subconscious are a few that once called me family. People who were supposed to
care about me. People who were supposed to support me. Now I feel like a ghost
to them. I cut them out of my life because I felt uncared for and invisible
already but now, even now I still feel like a ghost who hides in the night and
fear that my mere existence will rock the boat. Is it a fear of confrontation?
Or just to relive the toxicity
that once was? To remember that others could treat me as if my feelings don't
matter?
Isn't it normal human nature to be curious about how well or
unwell an ex-friend or ex-boyfriend is doing? What do we truly gain out of the
knowing or not knowing? I still don't have an answer to this question. It takes
a long time to get over someone. Some people say it takes twice the length of
time that you knew them. Take a friend you've known for two years - it'll take
4 years of your life after you say SAYONARA to actually get over them? That's a
huge chunk of time to give to someone, even to your subconscious.
We've all been there. We all do it. It's human nature to remember
and want people to want you in their lives. We feel powerful, content and
justified for kicking these people out of our lives. But so easily do they find
an unlocked door to let themselves back in. I have thrown away many toxic friendship keys...all for the sake of
happiness. Dare I find one while doing some spring cleaning and happen upon its
corresponding door. Let not what your mind remembers as the possibility of a
renewed friendship be muddled in the truth that this friend is/was toxic to you and will probably step on your
head to get to where they need to go again...and again...and again.
I think teaching my girls how to avoid and get rid of toxic as soon as you see it will be one of
the hardest things I will ever do in my life! Don't let the toxic people reel you back in
after they've abused your trust, your integrity, and your passion. I'm scared,
yet honored for the task. It will be difficult for me because it is something I
myself have fallen prey to. However, what my experiences have taught me is that
taking a step back after letting yourself remember, taking a deep breath and
then choosing to focus on all of the positive things in your life is what gets
me through it. Being happy is the best medicine. I will not allow myself back
into the misery. My life is GREAT. I will not let TOXIC back in!
