Traveling is now JUST a thing of enjoyment...

The past few months have been different...VERY GOOD BUT VERY DIFFERENT!

Paul is home EVERY NIGHT now! This hasn't been the norm for 95% of our relationship! Shortly after Paul and I started dating he accepted a position in outside sales and that is what started a decade of traveling for work. It was difficult on our relationship and me. I didn't really understand why until I kind of got over it, but I had feelings of abandonment when he traveled and we fought because of it. "Why didn't you call me? It's been 2hrs since you texted me back..." Petty comments fueled by fear of losing one of the best things I have ever had in my life. It's one of the only things we truly ever had an issue with each other about!

Then...after having kids and the new stresses that adds onto a relationship, things only got worse before they got better. We both felt the pressure and wanted to support each other but it's not easy on either side. Over time I've learned that being a traveling salesman is NOT glamorous and definitely not the fun time that most people think it is. You're always on someone else's time-frame and schedule. You sleep in a hotel, without the creature comforts of your own home. Paul would frequently have awful nights away from me because the hotel was too hot or cold and he heard weird noises that would wake him up. The WORST thing was not being able to be WITH his family and see the developments that I saw with the kids. He would often tell me that "I didn't know she/he could do that! When did they learn that?" It broke my heart to hear but it also made me realize the major downside traveling had on his life and world. From then on I refused to let myself think only about my own struggles...

Some might say it's only a few days a week...what's the big deal!? Here's what I would say: When you have a household to take care of, and babies, that couple of days might be 100 diaper changes, 3 booboo's that require tending,  being woken up for night terrors 6 times, someone vomiting (because $hi% always hits the fan when he left), the garbage disposal quitting, the refrigerator making a strange humming noise or 15,000 other things that come up with a busy life with kiddos. On top of all that, I didn't want to hear about his struggles at the end of his day because I had plenty of my own to take on without adding his on. It was a constant strain on us as a couple! I HATED that strain because he is my everything! Through it all we definitely made it work and tried to be each other's champions even through our own crap!

We had been hopeful for a few years now that we could make a change that would keep Paul home, but he struggled to find the "right" position. It seemed that every available job for him would REQUIRE at least 1-2 nights per week of travel. We contemplated making a switch that would affect our family's pocket book, BUT keep him home. Then, as Felix came into our lives, it feels like the pressure just kept mounting. My business was growing but I was still required to be a "single mom" when Paul traveled and I wanted a change MORE THAN EVER!  

....Then a few months ago, a recruiter called with a role that seemed too perfect to actually be real! But it was REAL! ...and Paul killed the interview and the job became a reality! His new job is still in outside sales but his territory has been reduced from multiple states (TX, OK, LA, AR, etc..) down to just EAST HOUSTON. This meant NO MORE TRAVEL!!!! It has changed SOOO MUCH in our lives! I feel so much relief knowing that we're able to work as a team, co-parent every day, and truly change our lives for the better. I LOVE THE CHANGE! I also love that he will be able to be at future school events, play on a co-ed softball team with me and have regular date nights because we can plan out so much more ;)

I've never seen him more happy than he has been over the last few months...and that warms my heart! Life has slowed to a pace that I love and can truly enjoy! I love Paul sooo much, but knowing that I don't have to say "Goodbye! I'll see you in a few days!" is one of the things that I thank God for OFTEN! We have so many things to be thankful for but this has been a huge one for us! I have my fun, silly, amazingly-talented hubby back through and through! Our whole family has been blessed by this change!

Life is a Roller Coaster...hang on baby! Here we go!

You have no idea how complicated life can get until you have little kids. I feel like everyday is a chess match of figuring out play dates, school drop-offs, after dinner activities, laundry (oh the freaking laundry). I feel like I need a schedule for my schedule. Seriously! I'm not the most organized person, or at all. So leaving these kiddos in my hands...what are you guys thinking?!?

We had a crazy month of August with lots of travel. Paul HAD to be gone every weekday in the month of August for work and training. He's got home after midnight on 3 of 4 friday's (although the last one was technically thursday because we're about to be hit with Hurricane Harvey and his generous boss let him switch his flight). Thank God! Hurricane Harvey hit hard and devastated a good deal of Houston. We are so blessed to only be dealing with a small roof leak, while others are having to renovate/rid down huge parts of their homes. It's so sad and I can't even imagine the feeling of loss.

Today I am 28 weeks preggo with little Tim-Buck-2 and in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. This pregnancy has not only been the HARDEST on me physically (nauseous/crappy feeling the first 16-18wks) but also taken the most emotional toll on me as well. I'm worried about the pregnancy and everything going ok constantly. I'm even ANNOYING myself about it. However, last week at my anatomy ultrasound we received some news that kind of has me worried! I have what's called "two cord" or "two vessel" meaning the umbilical cord to the baby only formed two vessels vs the 3 normal ones that the other 99% of pregnancies have. As my doctor has told me, "it's probably nothing"; however, it could mean some not so nice things that I don't even want to discuss. I've been reassured by friends and family that this is not something to overly worry myself about.  

Lainey is 2 1/2 and so smart and independent. I don't think she's quite ready to be a big sister and not be the baby. We're trying to prepare her for it and encouraging her independence, especially around bedtime. Encouraging her, even when she takes off the top to my prenatal pills and ate some. She told us the truth and we were lenient. Haha

Norah is 4 1/2 and crosses back and forth between being a teenager and being a freaking angel child. She started ballet a few weeks ago and is growing into a beautiful little girl. She is not as cuddly as mommy wants sometimes but she seriously has a heart of gold.  

They are going to K2 and I think everyone is in love with it. Mommy gets her free time to work and take care of a growing business and never-ending house work. The girls get educational activities and play-time in an awesome gym. Norah is learning spanish in school and I'm impressed with how much she is learning. "Mom, do you know how to say triangle in spanish? ....triangulo" <said flawlessly> But what Paul and I love most about their school is what amazing teachers they have! Their teachers care about them, as if they were their own kiddos. I couldn't' say more wonderful things about the sense of family and warmth this place brings me. I love them!

Our house renovation is going strong. We almost have an upstairs in our house! WHAT?!?

Mom Fear Exposed!

So I have finally gotten up the courage enough to write this post about how I truly feel about my son...it's a hard reality to deal with some times and hasn't been any easier on me than it would be on most. So here goes...

Life is chaotic now...to say the least. However, I find joy in my days in the small moments I get that I'm not running back from the laundry room to switch laundry or tending to a booboo or nursing. I. CAN. BREATHE. NOW.

I stare into THIS sweet, beautiful smile and the thoughts I once had of my baby boy, of the possibility of him not being here, are muffled by the pure joy I feel by knowing that it all worked out. BY GOD'S GRACE!

Nightmares, fear, pain, exhaustion and utter fear are the things they don't tell you about when you don't have kids. I have never known fear until Norah was born. Her tiny life held in my hands, her life and well-being literally dictated by my body and my choices. The overwhelming responsibility you feel CONSTANTLY, plaguing your every decision. Those emotions were there with Lainey, Paul tells me, because I don't really remember. But with Felix's pregnancy let's be frank...it KICKED MY ASS! I was finally in a great place where I was making enough money to "justify" going into business for myself, my girls were old enough to start doing little tasks on their own. Then it all hit at once. LIFE. An unexpected but blessed pregnancy anyway. Most of it feeling like I was on a fishing boat going up and down in the ocean for hours. I wanted to do NOTHING but had all the responsibilities, including growing a human life, inside of me. Then the 20wk ultrasound..."you have what's called two-cord" which I later found out could be a lot more serious than I originally thought. It consumed me! 

Two cord happens in about 1% of births. They so emotionlessly describe on the internet what could be wrong because of this simple term -  heart problems, kidney problems, spinal defects, stillbirth. I tried to think about it from a numbers standpoint because hey that's me - "what are the chances?" but it seemed so callous and inaccurately describing my situation. I was SURE something was wrong and would happen to my sweet little boy before I ever had the chance to hold him. I compartmentalized it all. I refused to buy a crib. I refused to calculate this little guy into our lives in anyway because, despite the reassurances from close friends, family and my sweet husband, nothing vanquished that uneasy, unsettling fear of loss that I felt so deeply was just around the corner. I knew that if I gave in the idea that I was getting what I truly wanted all along...a sweet little boy in my life to complete our family. A mini Paul.

BUT through it all...he's here. He's amazing! He's my little man. And despite the fact that the doctors thought he might have growth issues because of this issue...he's a TANK! He's in the 70%+  for all of his stats and astonishes me everyday with his strength and grit for life.

I'm humbled to have gone through Felix's pregnancy with the complete lack of control forcing myself to have faith that it would all work out...but it was a challenge. Hopefully one that will make me even stronger today!

I love my little man! He brings such joy to my heart!

Not just Brittney's Toxic

"I'm a slave...for you"...it's not just a line in Brittney's 'Toxic.' It's a place we've all been to at least once in our lives. We ALL have toxic or dealt with it at some point in our lives. 

It's usually in the form of good people who do bad things to people they don't give a $h!t about, or just because it's more convenient to screw you over than tell you the truth. I've had my fair share of toxic people in my life. Those who are more consumed with appearances, drugs, vanity, popularity, sex or money than me. Or maybe they were/are just so selfish and self-absorbed to see the negative effect they have on others. It's sad that people think they can get away with it, but it’s our job to make sure we don't let the toxic get the best of us.

I thought the reality show that aired a few years back about a group of nerds learning how to be “ballas” was just ridiculous enough to watch. Then, I realized that the only thing they were learning was how to have more confidence in themselves. 'Fake it until you make it!' It's true though isn't it? Confidence is key! Imagining you are the greatest at everything. Can leap tall bounds and take down giants. Seeing isn't believing. Believing is believing! 

Lack of confidence breeds pessimism and is exactly what predators, aka toxic people, feed off of. They see that they can ignore your call and that you'll still call back. That they can put you down and you'll still love them. That they can hit you and you'll still keep them in your life. What is this telling them about you? Probably not the message you were wanting to convey. YOU have to love yourself more, think you deserve it more, BELIEVE in yourself MORE because if not you then who will believe in you?

I am not a super confident person although it’s something I’m constantly working on. However, my toxic came several years ago when I had little to no confidence. These were supposedly my family members. However, they did not value me in the slightest. Let's go back a bit.....<<<<< A long time ago I was in the unfortunate situation of watching a man I once loved go through chemotherapy treatments for leukemia. It was terrifying and difficult to say the least. I struggled to find the internal strength that anyone would need to go through such a scary, unknowing heartache of a path. I watched him deteriorate in front of my very eyes. He went from a 240lb hefty stocky man to a mere 130lb boney structure with decaying gums, no hair that wasn't even able to unscrew the top of a water bottle in a 10 month period. Life had other plans for him at 26 and with me as his caregiver paying the bills, taking him to dr appts, paying the bills, picking up medication, taking care of our house, etc, etc, etc, it drained me as a person. When it was over :( and he passed into a better place, his family vanished from my life. A 'how are you doing?' every month or so but other than that they had written me off for the useless friendship/companionship I was to them. I was not appreciated in the middle of the whole sickness whether or not I took him to countless chemo treatments, was up until endless hours in the night with him at the hospital or making sure I was there for every doctor's visit I could be all while holding down a full-time job. They did not help me when I moved in the middle of his sickness into a house near the hospital. Nor did they help me with doctors’ bills or scheduling. It was their brother and their son and  yet I was doing 99% of everything for him. I felt like I had to beg them for help. Did it earn me any credit with them in the end? No. They didn't care. So the only person that cared that I sacrificed myself for was gone. 

So the neglect and anger it made me feel seeing pictures of all of them having a party a few weeks after his death while I sat on my couch and cried for the 17th day straight was too much. I tried to pick myself up after this but they were weighing me down. They were holding me back and making me focus on the anger rather than the healing. The bitterness I felt for each of them outshone the guilt I was trying to overcome. Why mustn't they care about me? Why did they do things that hurt me so much! I was angered and betrayed. So I cut them out of my life like a rotting piece of flesh. They were dead to me. 

So I did. I decided I was going to take a stand for my own well-being and say 'i don't care how it affects anyone else but me!' That I have to say 'NO' to letting them be in my life and be my own advocate.

So life moves on and you're happy and don't look back...until something triggers your memory. In my case it’s Matthew’s birthday that gets me every year. That and the date he passed. So what to do? Suppress and try to forget, or is that putting a stronghold on you worse than just facing the memory and reaching out? You tell me. Avoiding chocolate is the only way to truly avoid its cravings right? I wish!

But the question I myself am facing is: How can you truly let go? Does toxicity still have a hold of you, even years later, even if you have 100% cut yourself out of their lives so they don't even know you or your pain exist? When does seeing their picture or name mean almost nothing? How can you truly let go??? Those stuck in my subconscious are a few that once called me family. People who were supposed to care about me. People who were supposed to support me. Now I feel like a ghost to them. I cut them out of my life because I felt uncared for and invisible already but now, even now I still feel like a ghost who hides in the night and fear that my mere existence will rock the boat. Is it a fear of confrontation? Or just to relive the toxicity that once was? To remember that others could treat me as if my feelings don't matter?

Isn't it normal human nature to be curious about how well or unwell an ex-friend or ex-boyfriend is doing? What do we truly gain out of the knowing or not knowing? I still don't have an answer to this question. It takes a long time to get over someone. Some people say it takes twice the length of time that you knew them. Take a friend you've known for two years - it'll take 4 years of your life after you say SAYONARA to actually get over them? That's a huge chunk of time to give to someone, even to your subconscious.

We've all been there. We all do it. It's human nature to remember and want people to want you in their lives. We feel powerful, content and justified for kicking these people out of our lives. But so easily do they find an unlocked door to let themselves back in. I have thrown away many toxic friendship keys...all for the sake of happiness. Dare I find one while doing some spring cleaning and happen upon its corresponding door. Let not what your mind remembers as the possibility of a renewed friendship be muddled in the truth that this friend is/was toxic to you and will probably step on your head to get to where they need to go again...and again...and again. 

I think teaching my girls how to avoid and get rid of toxic as soon as you see it will be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life! Don't let the toxic people reel you back in after they've abused your trust, your integrity, and your passion. I'm scared, yet honored for the task. It will be difficult for me because it is something I myself have fallen prey to. However, what my experiences have taught me is that taking a step back after letting yourself remember, taking a deep breath and then choosing to focus on all of the positive things in your life is what gets me through it. Being happy is the best medicine. I will not allow myself back into the misery. My life is GREAT. I will not let TOXIC back in! 

The BIG 5!

The BIG 5 Year Anniversary celebrated by....NOTHING! Haha. Such is life!

We had a trip to go fishing with my folks, which has been pushed aside for so many reasons. Even if we had been able to go my dad's boat wasn't performing well and seemed to almost catch fire!

It's been a crazy mixed-up week! We're rounding it off with Lainey having two black eyes <mom puts head down in shame>...one from a fall a few days ago in the garage and one from a kid throwing a puzzle at school today. That coupled with a caterpillar sting and welt on her arm. 

Paul has been in Midland TX in the 90 degree heat without AC at a trade-show all week. 

And mommy's been playing doctor, single-mom, chef, dog caretaker and cry into her wine at night roles all week. 

We did end the week on a high note out at B-dubs, kids included, with our sweet neighbor and sister tonight! The kids were awesome and made me grateful that babysitters suck right now. I've been in contact with a few, both of which have bailed on me. What is up with babysitters these days. Unless you can guarantee you won't interfere with their social life, be 4 min in walking distance and can place a freaking silver spoon in their mouth they peace out. Unfortunately, it's all unreliable teeny-booper airheads that seem to be out looking for babysitting roles. I just can't stand it. 

But anyways, back to the good in life. My baby! Tomorrow marks 5 freaking years of an awesome marriage. One that I didn't know was EVEN POSSIBLE! 

He's the most amazingly generous man. He has his moments of unreasonableness or that just makes me mad. BUT he takes care of us. AND loves his girls more than life itself. I couldn't be more elated and joyful than to call him my husband! I had a dream about Paul a few nights ago that we were not dating, not married, not anything...YET. But he didn't want anything to do with me. Even in my dream I was walking around helpless, like a lost little puppy dog unsure of what to do! Lol. 

Life is tough! We all need smoeone to stand by our sides and tell us that "you're doing great", "keep up the hard work"! Truly blessed am I to have such a fine man in my life! <<<Now on to keep him from buying a plane or picking up some OTHER crazy expensive hobby! <<<Now that's a full-time gig! 

"Life is crazy! Life is nuts! Life is crazy nuts good!"

Just because I know life goes fast and I want to remember

So life goes faster than a train and once we had our girls it has started zooming by like a bullet train. So I want to remember the details when I'm old and gray. So I write...so I can remember!

Norah is now a beaming beautiful 3 year old, who astonishes me almost daily with her new vocabulary or sentence structures or just with how genuinely kind she is to her sister. For lunch Lainey had a corn-dog. I cut a piece off for Norah thinking that neither one of them would eat it because let's be honest kids NEVER eat what you put in front of them. But they both loved it and started chowing down. So Lainey quickly ate her piece and started asking for more. So I told Norah, as she was still holding onto her piece and eating it, that if she didn't want her piece to please give it to her sister because she likes it. She said "but I do like it mommy." I said "ok baby" and turned to say something to Paul...and when I turned back around Norah was handing Lainey her piece of the corn-dog. She's just the most kind and gentle little being, not that she doesn't have her moments of terror like all kiddos...but aside from those temporary moments of insanity she's a doll of a big sister!



Lainey, our tenacious and tiny. She is fearless and has the tenacity of me when I was younger. I once adamantly refused to ask anyone for help 'fixing the toy-box' so I balanced the very heavy lid on my head as it freed up my hands in order to allow me to fix it myself. It didn't matter that it was so heavy it hurt my head and neck. What mattered is that I got the job done. YES! That is her. Everyday that is my little angel trying to work $hit out for herself. I saw her a few weeks ago struggling to put a straw into a juice-box one-handed (like it's not already difficult) but she wasn't fussing about it so I just let her try. And what do you know she did it. And then proceeded to pull it out of the juicebox just to wash, rinse and repeat!

She's also started saying the word "No" a LOT, along with a lot of other words as well. She'll almost mimic anything her sister asks her to, although I get the "No" answer still when I ask her to say anything. Of course! This past weekend she jumped into the foam pit all by herself without any assurance that someone would be able to get her out again. Or when we took her to the beach she walked right into the waves crashing into her and didn't skip a beat. I love her tenacity for life even though it scares me for what's to come as she just get bigger and bigger and more and more capable.

Our girls look very very similar and only getting more so by the day as Lainey's hair continues to lighten to a dirty blonde; HOWEVER, their personalities couldn't be further from each other. Lainey is the daredevil who welcomes newcomers while my shy little Norah takes a little longer to warm up to people and is cautious when it comes to the unknown. Norah is also way more sensitive, like her momma, and thoughtful...But we LOVE them both for their uniqueness and individuality. The fact that they love each other so much is such an awesome sight to see too. I guess it makes sense tho...if Norah is like me and Lainey is like her daddy...I mean Paul and I are pretty smitten with each other =)

Honest truth about 2 at & under 2

I had no idea that having 2 at/or under 2 would be this challenging. I thought in all my great wisdom of 31 years that it would be challenging, but I had no idea. Some days go very well with minimal crying, messes & meltdowns, while actually accomplishing other tasks that make life go on day to day. But, the days in between are the hard ones. Sometimes they start out like a beautiful sunset, calm skies with no indication of the storms that are brewing. Then, the onslaught of rain streaming down our faces are the only indication to the outside world that anything has gone awry. At the end of the day when the kids are down in bed and we can relax on the couch, it's our time to recoup, regroup and heal our broken house & hearts. HaHa!

           

She's so proud of herself for helping change Lainey's diaper.

But, the joy of siblings is something out of this world. It cannot be expressed any other way than just truly beautiful. Norah is so amazingly sweet to her sister, and in return Lainey lights up when she sees her face each morning. Norah gets so excited to help change her diaper and do anything that means being around and touching her baby sister. You can tell she is wanting Elaina to move quickly into the moving, crawling, talking, walking stages...way more than I'm ready.

Norah loves holding Lainey

A kiss from Norah

Norah feeding Lainey some rice cereal

Lainey is almost 5 months already, and has been such a sweet and amazing little blessing to our family. She is right on target for her weight, height and all that jazz. When she got her shots at 2 months, I think she screamed bloody murder for a solid 15 minutes. Crazy how unhelpful even her Momma felt when she was losing it. She wouldn't nurse. She wouldn't even open her eyes to look at me. She just screamed. One of the hardest parts about having 2 at or under 2 is that Norah isn't quite old enough to understand that babies just cry sometimes. So when Lainey cries, Norah gets upset and then I've got two of them losing it. That rarely ever happens anymore except in the car. I try to avoid having both of them in the car for longer than 10 minutes anymore. Lainey is still in her "scream if I'm in the carseat" phase and it makes traveling awful! Hopefully I don't jinx it, but it is getting better...thank goodness!

Which makes me think about a wonderful night not too long ago that ended in many many tears for me. Part of writing down all of these fun memories for me is to be honest and candid with how I'm feeling/handling everything. So here it is...my mommy breakdown moment. It started out great. Beautiful day so we played at the park with a bunch of our friends and had lunch. Which turned into an invite for dinner. So we had dinner with some of our friends that evening and played in their backyard. All as calm as things can be with 2 under 2 but definitely nothing I couldn't handle. My stomach started hurting as we were leaving which made me in a crabby mood and made me want to have bedtime go all the quicker. But that didn't happen. Instead we had everything go wrong. Norah turned into a crab apple with her sister. Lainey would not stop crying unless I held her, which meant giving Norah a bath while listening to Lainey cry...and sometimes scream. I was trying to do everything at lightning speed, and stopped to pick Lainey up whenever I could. I laid Lainey down on Norah's giant stuffed animal dog when I got Norah a sippy cup of milk. Norah didn't like that so while I was out of the room for 30 seconds she ripped the stuffed animal out from under her almost causing her to roll over onto her face, and I'm fairly sure she bumped her head. So I fussed at Norah for hurting Lainey so now they were both crying. Things were chaotic! And stressful! Everyone was feeding off everyone's bad energy. And because I was trying to do everything so fast we were all frazzled and stressed out and just in a bad place all around. Then I did the unspeakable mommy act. I screamed at Norah to stop crying! I screamed like I was the 2 year old. Like she understood what was going on. :( Like she could do anything but cry when mommy was upset and screamed at her. :( Because I lost my cool and yelled, things just went from WORSE to HORRIBLE. After my mini breakdown I couldn't comfort either of them. I couldn't get either of them to stop screaming long enough to calm the other one down. I was in a hole and I needed a rope. So I called our wonderful neighbors to come and rescue me. Through tears Deedra understood the need and ran over to come to my rescue holding Norah and singing her favorite song Twinkle Twinkle Little Star....just long enough for me to nurse Lainey and put her down under the mobile so I could go calm Norah down even more and put her to bed....an hour and a half after her normal bedtime. Ya the bedtime that I had hoped would take 15 minutes took in excess of 2 hours. And the even harder part for me to deal with was that I broke. The calm, patient, understanding always together mommy, at least that's how I hope my girls see me, BROKE DOWN! It was an awful night. I felt like I had betrayed my little buggy. I'm still slightly beating myself up about it, but it's these kind of nights that make me have respect for all the other days when I am able to hold the fort down on my own without the tears, meltdowns and mommy breaking. Thank goodness Deedra was there to help and my friend Ashley came over to comfort me afterwards. I'm grateful for their kind words that night!

I guess I realized even more so that night than ever before, how much we need good strong relationships in our lives so we can reach out to others for help. And maybe even more humbling, but important, it is to know that we need the help. There is a reason for the saying "it takes a village to raise a child." I pride myself on being an independent person who can take care of herself and anything that comes her way. But now as a mom I pride myself on being able to ask others for help. Even if it's a sitter during the week or Memere and Pepere for a date night. We ALL need the help every now and then =)

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So through tears, growth, love, admiration and a few more tears we have made it to the other side of our 2 kiddos being at or under 2. And still I know our journey will have some ups and downs but nothing can replace the joy and LOVE I have for my squee >>>>>

<< and my Norahbug!>> 

It's definitely the love for and from this man that helps me get through each day! He goes above and beyond to help out during the day where he can. Cooks, cleans, changes diapers, sways and puts down babies etc etc etc. I'm so lucky that I have him! So very lucky. Especially on the days when I feel so broken and run down. He is my battery recharger for sure! =)